Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The Gentleman's Guide to Sending Dick Pictures to Random Women on the Internet.

1) Consider the wisdom of sending a dick picture. If the relationship she is seeking could be construed as a "dating" or "friendly" one, sending your dick at all is mega creepy. And even in the context of casual sex and cybersex, women aren't necessarily aroused by penis JPGs. You might want to wait for her to ask for a dick picture, rather than using it to introduce yourself.

2) Make sure your equipment is suitable. The proper condition for dick photos is clean and dry (seriously, ewww), fully erect, and with well-groomed pubes. If it can stay fully erect without you death-gripping it around the base, so much the better.

(I admit here I don't know exactly how these things work. Is it uncomfortable to let an erect dick flop around freely? Or is the grip necessary to keep it at full hardness? Or does the grip just keep it pointed at a more impressive angle?)

3) Make sure your other equipment is suitable. Take your dick pics with a real camera; a low-end cellphone photo or webcam stillshot always has that "surveillance footage" look to it, especially in low light. Even with a proper camera, all photos look creepy when there isn't enough light (and flash makes skin look unappealingly flat and pallid), so try to get it in as much light as possible. Natural light is really nice if you have a way to get it without scandalizing the neighbors.

4) Use a self-timer or a (clean!) mirror. The top-down perspective never flatters, and frankly, women aren't used to seeing dicks from that angle.

5) Put the penis in context. In my experience, the more of your body in the shot, the better--even if you don't have an amazing body, seeing a naked man is more fun than seeing a free-floating cock in space. Whether you're comfortable putting your face in the photo is up to you, but cropping out everything but genitals is going way too far unless you have a very distinctive lower-stomach tattoo.

6) Don't forget the background. Make sure there isn't weird clutter in the shot that makes you look like a slob or reminds the viewer of an unsexy part of your life. And remember that photos taken while you're in the computer chair, then uploaded onto that selfsame computer, tend to imply that maybe you never get up. Your bed generally makes a nice suggestive setting, if it's tidy.

7) If your camera takes enormous photos, scale it down to something moderate in size so it doesn't display on her monitor as MONITOR FULL OF COCK WHAM. This also hides minor imperfections. And while you've got it in the image-editing program, you might try to get the skin tones to resemble skin--dicks seem prone to photographing in horrible colors like "fishbelly yellow-white" and "roast beef gray-brown," and that's never pretty.

8) Look at the photo you've just taken. Think, seriously, if you were a woman, would you want to see this? Seriously. You can always back out now and tell her about your personality instead.

24 comments:

  1. The grip is probably for angle. Certainly doesn't hurt me to wave it about freely. It may also help a bit to keep it hard, since they're busy using a camera and probably only just beat it to attention for the pic, I can't imagine the frame of mind is ideal.

    Anyway, your experiences sound horrendous and hilarious. What are they thinking? People wouldn't share such unflattering pics of themselves normally.

    ...So, what's the myspace angle of dick pictures?

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  2. Seconding the grip for angle.

    Do you have an opinion on the use of the cable remote for a size comparison? I don't know if your cable company in Boston uses the Scientific Atlanta boxes with 10-inch-long remotes such as the one between my legs right now (I just turned on the TV and that's where it landed).

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  3. Hershele - I prefer an ice-axe for scale, as in Yeti footprint photos.

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  4. Anon - The Myspace angle of dick photos is to lie on your back, lay the dick up along your stomach, and photograph it from the underside.

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  5. Actually, I feel like the "MySpace" angle for dicks is when the guy deathgrips the base and then points it directly at the camera. (Yes, I've actually seen pics like this)

    Cock pics of strangers don't turn me on in the slightest, but if I'm looking for sex I figure "well, at least I can gauge the size I'll be dealing with if I meet this guy in person". The head-on view is completely useless to me in every way. I can only assume they do it to hide how stubby it is.

    Oh, and I can't agree more with #5. If I'm thinking of sleeping with a dude I want to see what his body looks like. Personally, I'd like a nice torso shot way more than the cock.

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  6. There is just about no appeal for me in a random disembodied dick pic. The guys I've met who were all self-impressed with their Size were the ones who didn't really know how to use it.

    flightless

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  7. Oh Holly this is an excellent post. And very good advice for those that take and send dick pics.

    You crack me up!

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  8. "7) If your camera takes enormous photos, scale it down to something moderate in size so it doesn't display on her monitor as MONITOR FULL OF COCK WHAM. This also hides minor imperfections. And while you've got it in the image-editing program, you might try to get the skin tones to resemble skin--dicks seem prone to photographing in horrible colors like "fishbelly yellow-white" and "roast beef gray-brown," and that's never pretty."

    ...this from the same blog that regularly criticizes Cosmo's airbrushing? :P

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  9. Eronarn - There's a difference between making something look unlike it does in reality, and making something look like its best reality. I think it's a bad idea to Photoshop women until they look a foot taller and 30 pounds lighter--but I don't think it's bad to dress and light them flatteringly.

    If your cock isn't fishbelly-colored in life, 'shopping it to look more lifelike isn't cheating.

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  10. The 'cock in space' comment gave me flashbacks to the Muppet Show skit 'Pigs in Space.'

    I'm obviously quite disturbed. ;D

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  11. There's this theory that you lose an inch for every 10 pounds / kilos / whatever gained. Whether that's in truth or in appearance, I also don't know.

    In other words, I always thought gripping the base was to make it look longer.

    But then, it could also be that the guy can't get it all the way up :-)

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  12. Retro - I've been with guys who were 40-50 over their "ideal weight" and still had a good 6 inches, so unless they were secretly swinging monster cocks, I don't think it works like that.

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  13. You have made the world a better place with this guide, of that I am certain.

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  14. Too late to the party, nut here's a hilarious blog this post reminds me of

    Desperately Seeking .....Something?

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  15. Also, don't use an interface that lets you accidentally post it to the public internet.

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  16. I actually found that P.Diddys angle advice for sending dick shots to work the best. (youtube it) Basically, be nude and shoot from your shoulder at an angle so they see your belly, chest etc. as well. It doesn;t make your dick look huge or anything but it makes for a nice shot.

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  17. Ive gotten alot of dick pics and they are ussaly sitting or laying down. Im pretty sure they have never read this guide!!

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  18. This is SO good!!! Yesterday some man started following me on Twitter because he saw an Instagramed picture of my feet. He said he was trying hard not to cum while looking at that photo, and then asked me if he could send me pictures of his "enormous cock". I turned down the offer, but at least he ASKED before just sending them!... ;D

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  19. I wish guys would wait to be asked. It makes things incredibly awkward if a guy I like asks if I want to see a picture of his dick, and I say no.

    Any advice for declining gracefully?

    It's not the sight of his dick that's going to turn me on, or make me like him. It's who he is and how he acts, and his mind and what he says and thinks. Plus, then I have the whole awkward "do I have to offer to show him my bits now, too?" thing.

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    Replies
    1. I don't think you need to decline "gracefully." I think just plain "no" is pretty good there. "No, thanks" if you want to be real extra graceful.

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    2. "I would rather prefer if you would tell me more about your personality"

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  20. I think the last tip should be: HAVE A THEME. I am about to make a dick pic and will follow all advice given. But why shouldn't I wear a handmade leather tibetan Guardian mask with buddhist prayer beads and mini sythes in mouth and hand while crouched on top of my sink? Good idea? Oh YES

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  21. OMG BEST ADVICE EVER! Sorry I couldn't help ROFLMAOing. Just discovered this blog today, looking at the Nation magazine's ten tips on how to end rape culture which linked to an incomprehensible tumblr page which had a shot from this blog. My days of online "pervchat" are over, all monogamous n stuff now, but man those dick pix were such an annoyance! Much <3 for the posts I have browsed so far and keep writing your pervy lil brains out!

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  22. MONITOR FULL OF COCK WHAM

    Oh my god that is priceless

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